I was born very young. I am married to The Lovely Mrs. Davis, and we share the sloppy wet kisses of three cocker spaniels: Bob, Chuck and Gordon. When I was a kid, I wanted to be either a disc jockey or the vice-president of a paper clip company. Turns out the whole paper clip thing takes effort, so… Sometimes, I wish I could knit. My office is littered with the dry, rusty bones of long emptied Diet Pepsi cans. Carrots are one of the few vegetables that don’t suck.

I am a very Leo Leo. I once had one of those astrological readings and almost all of my moons were in Leo. I don’t know what any of that means. I don’t understand the appeal of tattoos. I also don’t have the pain tolerance to deal with the needle. I bite my nails constantly. I am one of three people in the entire world who really likes the NBA. Some people see the glass as half-full, some as half-empty. I see it as “Either way, I'm gonna have to wash that glass.”

My favorite color is orange. I’m allergic to orange juice. I went to a very small high school in Iowa, and I am by far the most famous graduate. The second most famous: Ashton Kutcher. (No, seriously.) I don’t drink alcohol much, but I like to hang out in bars. I once met Christina Aguilera. She totally busted me checking out her boobs. I was okay with that. I think tighty-whiteys get a bad rap. Being a rodeo clown would be a good way to see the country. When I was 20, I was told my eyesight was getting so bad that I’d be legally blind by the time I was 30. It didn’t happen, and then I got the Lasik surgery. Suck it, blindness.

I was once run over by my own car. My mother-in-law makes an awesome coconut cake. When I die, I’d like to go on a walk with God so he can explain what’s up with my crazy-ass relatives. Then we’d play basketball, but I’d lose. God has hops. I have the best job in the world. I work with great people; I have an only slightly insane family; I have three pretty bad-ass dogs. I am very fortunate. I am grateful.